Just Shoot Me......Im Single!

So many times we hear the NEGATIVES to being single (No one to go to the movies with, no Valentine's Day gifts, etc.) but I thought it would be quite encouraging to list some of the benefits to being single. After all, I don't think that being single is ALL THAT BAD! It definitely has its PERKS. Besides, these days it is FAR MORE COMMON for single people get married and then wish they were single again, rather than the other way around. Isn't it quite funny that the very state of being that sooooo many people RUSH to leave, knowing that marriage will finally make them happy, magically turns into a place of freedom and relief once their haste-turned-waste marriage relationship is FINALLY over?!?!? (We all know those people who were consumed with the idea of getting married, and now that they are divorced are SO EXCITED TO FINALLY BE FREE!)........But oh, if we could just learn to enjoy the benefits of SINGLENESS upfront rather than in retrospect maybe we would be willing to REMAIN SINGLE long enough to evaluate new relationships more carefully and enter into unions that last.

These are my Top 5 Perks To Being Single! (Feel free to add your own in the comments section!)

1. The freedom to do WHATEVER you want!!! (when, where, AND how YOU WANT)

    I have been so blessed to be surrounded by married friends for well over 10 years. Trust that I am taking notes!!! Seeing them truly makes me look forward to being married, but guess what? One of the consistent sacrifices that I've seen is the freedom for them to do whatever they want to do without someone else being okay with it. Lets be real! When you commit your life to another person, EVERY decision that you make from that point forward directly or indirectly affects the person whom you married. Because of that, the courteous thing is to fill them in on what you're doing. You dont have to give EVERY DETAIL! (Im sure your future spouse will be okay without you ANNOUNCING each time you go to the bathroom) #ImJustSaying  However, Bottom line.........Im GLAD I dont have to "CHECK IN." The only things I DONT DO..PLACES I DONT GO.....MONEY I DONT SPEND.......are because I decided it was not best for me!

2.  Time freedom to serve others!

     Singleness is the only time in your life where you are free to truly give and minister to the needs of others outside of your home, and can make that a TRUE PRIORITY. Once you become married, your first responsibility is to meet the needs of those INSIDE of your home. AFTER they have been taken care of, THEN you can save the world, feed all the children of the earth, and clothe the nation. When you're single, you can truly enjoy the spontaneity that comes with being available to go when and where you are needed. This is an enormous benefit of single life, that I think we as singles often overlook.     Singledom, is such a precious time that can be beautiful if utilized properly! So get off the couch! Stop feeling sorry for yourself....and get caught up in helping others. Volunteer, join community organizations, create a program for youth, widows, or the elderly and utilize your time to make the lives of other people more enjoyable. In return, yours will become more delightful as well. 

3. Opportunity to SAVE MONEY!

      I cant begin to tell you the number of married people (especially men) that have expressed how they REALLY wish they would've SAVED MORE MONEY during those single years! Quite honestly, many of them have said that they didn't even REALIZE they were BROKE until they GOT MARRIED!!! During their single years, they were actually doing pretty well for themselves, or so they thought! But how things changed when all of a sudden there were 2 mouths to feeds and 2 bodies to clothe. What once looked like OVER FLOW, now was BARELY FLOWING AT ALL! When the river is flowing and you're the only one in the boat...........SAVE as much WATER as you can!....You'll need it later!

4. Chance to discover YOURSELF!

    How many times in life do we get to hear our own voice, see the world through our own eyes and discover what we do or don't like for ourselves?!?! Don't be so eager to see who you are through another person's eyes. Each one of us has specific things that make us unique. Unfortunately, so many of us spend this time being tossed to and fro, in and out of relationships, adjusting and changing ourselves to please whomever we happen to be with at the moment that we never truly discover who we are!! There are things that I know about myself today, that I had no clue about last year or the year before and quite honestly if I was "boo-ed up" or "locked down" right now, I still may never know. Enjoy this time to truly find yourself rather than spending so much energy looking for someone else. When the person of your dreams does come along, they want someone who KNOWS WHO THEY ARE! Don't sell yourself OR them short by missing out on the opportunity to discover your strengths, weaknesses, favorite and most distasteful things! You are worth DISCOVERING!

5.  Opportunity to FOCUS on your purpose RELENTLESSLY!

      Why are you here??? For what SPECIFIC purpose were you CREATED? What PROBLEM are you on Earth to SOLVE?!? What is the ONE THING that YOU can do like no one else can???? If you don't know the answer to those questions.....therein lies how you should focus your time and energy--seeking out the answers! If you DO know the answers to those questions.....then GET TO IT! You have a problem to solve, and quite frankly it wont get solved in between the tears of your" Im still single" pity party! There are people with REAL ISSUES, SERIOUS QUESTIONS, that need REAL SOLUTIONS and PRACTICAL ANSWERS! They are waiting for YOU !!! Once you discover your life's purpose, that thing that will bring all the puzzle pieces of your life together, and cause every victory, mistake, disappointment, and triumph to make sense.....you will want to GO FULL SPEED AHEAD pursuing that purpose with everything that lies within you!!! And what better time to do IT than NOW....while you're single! GET ER DONE!!!! HOP TO IT!

I hope that this short list of PROS outweigh the CONS that have consumed your time and energy. I'll be honest, the CONS do exist but much too often the negatives of being single (especially the ones that keep running through our minds over and over-like not having someone to cuddle with on a Friday night) are so small, so minor, so minute compared to the PROs in which we could be taking FULL ADVANTAGE! These are LIFE ALTERING ADVANTAGES both for YOU and the entire WORLD that's waiting for you to SHAKE YOURSELF OFF and get to MAKING AN IMPACT!....So GET TO IT!

I love you precious WAITERS!

        

Having Sex Too Soon Can RUIN Your Relationship: "Married At First Sight" Couples Consummate Their Marriages!

If you haven't been watching "Married At First Sight" the new social experiment that airs on the FYI network each Tuesday night at 9pmEST.......then WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?!?!?! This captivating show features three unique male/female couples who've agreed to get married to perfect strangers, stay married for four weeks, and then decide at the end of the one month period if they'd like to continue the marriage relationship with their newly found ideal mate. Each couple was chosen from a pool of over 1000 applicants in the NYC area. Each applicant was sent through a gruel-some process of tests, survey, questionnaires and interviews conducted by a panel of 4 experts, including a spiritual adviser, a sexologist, a psychologist, and a sociologist.

Last week, we watched these couples tie the knot and LAST NIGHT we got a glimpse into "THE BIG WEDDING NIGHT." Interestingly enough, of the three couples only one  actually HAD SEX the night of their marriage. In essence, by doing-the-do, that couple was having sex with someone they'd only met earlier that day. Did the fact that they were legally married change the ramifications of such reckless behavior??................. 

Apparently not!!! The show's sexologist even went on explain that physical intimacy is the most shallow form of intimacy that exists. Taking part in this intimacy too soon robs the pair of the opportunity to develop true emotional intimacy, which takes much more time. She expounded on the fact that emotional intimacy is one built on a bond, trust, and takes vulnerability from each party. Whereas physical intimacy is just that....sharing your body with someone else. And we got to see first hand, the seemingly detrimental consequences of making this surface-based choice.

The couple who decided to go all the way...numbed by drinking themselves into a drunken state, nonetheless....struggled. They struggled through the remainder of the episode to "get to know" and to trust one another.It seemed extremely difficult for them to grow their relationship past a surface, physical based level. In addition, it led them to disagreeably argue about the depth of their relationship. There was confusion about if the "connection" they seemed to have in bed was REAL. 

The other couples, on the other hand vowed to take things slow and develop a true emotional connection seemed to have a much deeper attraction towards one another. They had every right to go ahead and have sex with their mate, but instead decided to WAIT!  They wanted a more solid foundation before entering into such a physical relationship with one another. One couple even went on to say that they WERE physically attracted to each another, but decided to wait because they wanted it to mean more. And it showed obviously, at least through the end of last night's episode, that the smartest thing to do concerning entering a SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP with another person is to WAIT!!

Will the WAITING couples last? Will the eager couple end in divorce? Who knows? We'll have to keep watching. But at least for one night, it seemed to prove beneficial to pump the brakes when it comes to jumping into bed with someone else. Move to soon, and you rob the relationship of its true potential!

WAITING WITH EXCITEMENT!

Hurry Up!.......And WAIT!

Hurry up and WAIT.....Hurry up and WAIT!!!......Where the heck is my MATE?!?!?! This seems to be the life story of so many Singles today. We've all heard the advice, seen the blogs, read the books. Everybody seems to have a MAGIC formula to rescue us from this DEATH SENTENCE called Singleness. There seem to be thousands of formulas, recipes, and algorithms for how to master this place of solitude and WIN the GAME with MARRIAGE as the ultimate prize!

Not only do I strongly disagree with MOST of the advice out there, but I have a serious issue with the idea that being single is an INFERIOR position in life! No, I am not anti-marriage! On the contrary, I am a huge supporter of it. However, I strongly believe that the demise of marriage in this country is largely due BOTH to the pressure placed on singles to enter into this sacred union, AND our culture's view (especially in the south) that a person cannot reach true fulfillment or happiness unless they've committed their lives to another person! It sends single people, like me,  into this time-ticking frenzy in order to show the world, we've reached a place of maturity, overcome obstacles, and achieved the ultimate success. How do singles, migrate through this maze of confusion, depression, despair, and unrealistic expectations.........we hurry up and WAIT!  We rush to implement the latest advice we've read, knowing that this will be THE THING to cause our KNIGHT  in shining armor or the WOMAN of our dreams running to sweep us off of our feet! Or we hurry to jump into the next relationship, or the bed of the next person KNOWING that this is "the one" we've always wanted.....and then we WAIT. The implementation of the advice doesn't work, or at least doesn't seem to work; we soon find out that he or she is NOT THE ONE and the cycle continues! We become disappointed once again, feeling as though we've wasted time and energy expecting something that may never happen. This place of loneliness feeds our pity parties until the NEXT BIG THING that we are certain will rescue us from our pathetic, melancholy lives of boredom and sadness. And once again we are off to HURRY UP and WAIT!

I challenge you, as I've challenged myself to refuse to HURRY UP and WAIT, and to instead adopt a lifestyle of WAITING! Not waiting in the sense of sitting around, twiddling our thumbs, eager for the next Joe Bob to show up so that we can load him down with our baggage, problems, life's disappointments and regrets, but rather waiting as in -to wait, -to serve, -to work towards our life's purpose. We are responsible for our own life's happiness! Once we figure out why the heck we are here, what in the world we're supposed to be doing, and HURRY to do THAT........we wont be waiting for long! Even if we are, SO WHAT! We'll be so fulfilled with life, the beauty of finally living it, and enjoying all that it offers........that the grass will finally be GREEN on OUR side and people will be wanting to jump the fence to BE US, not the other way around.

Won' you WAIT with me????

Geez....Driving Lessons for Relationships!

Gosh! "Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?" I hear Avril Lavigne singing over and over in my head. This is usually the lyric of my life after a friendship ends with a guy once he realizes that we'll never be in a romantic relationship. Why must things be so complicated? Is it a crime to truly just be friends with someone, or must EVERY friendship be leading to a romantic relationship? I sooo dont want to have THAT feeling anymore. You know, that feeling where you go and review what went wrong? What you said that you shouldn't have; the things you did that you never should have done, or allowed to be done, said,etc. Aaah! The thought of it makes me want to scream! So tonight, in an effort to AVOID having THAT feeling EVER AGAIN in regards to relationships/friendships with men, I sought the advice of a good friend ! I asked her questions like.....what should the "friendship stage" look like with a guy? How much is too much during that phase? Until you KNOW that you should move forward toward being more than friends.....what do you do?

In my effort to approach male-female friendships with a much different mindset than I've had in the past, I was digging deep to ask all of the "tough" questions! I am determined to have quality relationships that last! I want to get it right, ya know? I AM capable of having healthy friendships with people of the opposite sex. This is what she said......Until you know, keep it in NEUTRAL. Hmm.....that's interesting advice, I thought. Neutral? But neutral sounds so BORING. (I would think that! Such the mind of a serious ex-offender on many occasions in years past of manipulating men's minds, and leading them on to thinking that I was actually interested in developing serious relationships with them when I in fact just loved the attention, and had NO INTENT whatsoever in committing to a REAL relationship!) I kept thinking, You mean you don't put it in DRIVE? High speed, and then REVERSE real quickly when things get uncomfortable? or too far?............YIKES! My mindset needed more work than I initially realized!

I listened to her talk in detail about how men really do follow the woman's lead in terms of how far is too far and where she's willing to ALLOW the friendship/relationship/interaction to go. She explained that a man can and should make his intentions known but women get the final choice on what she's willing to accept, and how oftentimes, women end up hurt, confused, or disappointed simply because we allow ourselves to get emotionally involved with someone too early. I soon realized that she was correct. If there was any misunderstanding on where the relationship was going, or thing seemed to get out of hand, it was MY FAULT! I was the one that made things complicated! Whether he initiated it or not, I chose to or not to internalize the comments he made, things he said, etc. She convinced me that until we are sure that we should move forward.....we should just keep it neutral. Simply a friend/brother-sister relationship! After all, its the safest way to make sure we don't CRASH and BURN later!

Good advice! One day, I will put it in DRIVE (remaining careful to follow all the precautions, speed limits(from mentors) and take note of hazard signs) but until then I'll be putting it in NEUTRAL (minimizing flirting, one-on-one interactions, watching my conversations, and definitely pumping the brakes when needed.) It really is the best choice to minimize confusion, ill-intentions, misunderstandings, and even potential disappointment in the future.

Waiting for Stratford and keeping it in NEUTRAL until I KNOW its him!

                                           

Date, Date, Date To Find Your Mate!!!!??!

Hmmm......is dating REALLY the CURE for singleness? Afterall, singleness is a disease right? Or is that just the way that so many people treat this time of cultivation, transformation, confidence building, and maturing? Earlier this week I watched a highly accomplished psychologist who specialized in relationships say that his best advice for a single person looking to be married was to date, date, date and then date more. "Its a numbers game, he said." He went on to say, "the person who goes on the most dates, wins!" Hmmm......do I agree with this thinking.....no! On the contrary, I think that the problem for so many single people is that they have adapted this philosophy.  We all know people that spend so much time going in and out of relationships, only to still be empty inside. Instead of moving closer to marriage,  this "practicing divorce behavior" caused them to get further away from their intended goal. When each relationship ended, they retreated in depression or aggressively looked for another substitute to try to heal the wounds left by the previous offender.
Don't misunderstand my intentions. I do believe that dating, and even more courtship have their place, but EVERY SINGLE PERSON IS NOT READY TO DATE.  In addition to a dating period, there must also be a "sit down, and figure out who you are" period.  If someone has not discovered their personal likes, dislikes, purpose, etc. BEFORE they start dating, this is a recipe for disaster.  Besides, when you have the rest of your life to be connected with someone why not take this short time to develop into your BEST single self?!

Im just sayin......I like so many other single people do desire to one day be married. However, I am not willing to compromise my happiness in order just date, date, date recklessly.  I am now at a point where I could date someone confidently because my heart has completely healed of past hurts. But there was a time when practicing the date, date, date, and date more lifestyle would have been both detrimental to me and each man I dated.

We must know US, before we can know others!

Patiently Waiting and Making Wise Choices!

I Need A Husband to Help Plunge My Toilet!!!!

I overheard the funniest conversation at work recently! There was an issue with the toilet and one of our young female employees beckoned one of the guys to plunge it for her. He went on to say, that he would gladly show her HOW to plunge a toilet for future reference. Her response..........."I don't need to know how to plunge toilets. That's why I'm getting married. My husband will do that stuff for me!" WOW! What an enormous statement! We all laughed at her hilarious response. However, it caused me to think much deeper. Although, this is a lighthearted example I think it accurately represents the mindset of so many women waiting on "their husbands" before they can learn something, do something, buy something, build something.....enjoy life! Of course, as a single woman I am excitedly waiting for the day that I'll be able to share experiences with my husband. However, it is not fair to me or him for me to WAIT until he comes before I can start enjoying my life!

Besides, is this not bringing "baggage into the relationship?" Oftentimes, "baggage" as it relates to relationships is often referred to the emotional baggage of past hurts, disappointments, and mistakes. However, I am starting to think that entering a relationship with the mindset of the other person rescuing you in a particular area is in every way bringing baggage and laying it at the feet of the other person. We must live our best life NOW!!! I, as a single should be thinking......"What will I bring to his life? How can I make him better? How will I be able to add? What can I be doing now to be a greater asset to him?" To start thinking selfishly before the relationship ever starts is a recipe for disappointment later........ (Besides, if I have a toilet that needs to be plunged......I cant wait around for my husband to get here. I need it plunged NOW! :-))

Patiently Waiting and Destroying A "Baggage" Mindset!

Shouting From The Rooftop: I Dont Date MARRIED MEN!!

Geez, OK. I know I may sound a little bit like I'm venting.....because I am. When it comes to the large number of married men that hit on me, I have a brewing  frustration for multiple reasons!


1. It is upsetting period that a man would commit to a woman, start a family, and appear to build a solid relationship on promises and principles and then have the audacity to at the same time attempt to start something with me, a successful single. Come on, men. Seriously?! Don't commit, if you're not ready. If you're having problems at home. DEAL WITH THEM AT HOME. Do not attempt to use a single woman ( me or any other woman who's not your wife) as your blanket of comfort or source of entertainment to distract you from the dysfunction of your own household.
2. I am highly disappointed in the women that DO develop intimate relationships with married men. Surely, the reason that those men believe that I am willing to cross the sacred boundaries of marriage, and develop something with them is because so many women ARE willing. Ladies, have enough respect for yourself to know that you are worth much more than being a man's side dish. Girlfriend, you have the ability to be the appetizer, the main course, the dessert, and his drink! Don't settle for another woman's sloppy seconds!....Keep moving!

Lastly, it frustrates me (and I may be looking too deep into this, but just bear with me) that a man would think that because I am single......I'm desperate enough to be willing to talk to "just anybody" whether he's married or not! Excuse me. I am single by choice. I choose to remain single until the caliber of man that I am worth/the man created for me presents himself to me. When he does, I am more than certain that  he will not----be married, disrespectful, rude, or punkish about pursuing me.Whew!........I feel so much better!

Patiently Waiting ( for a man that's NOT ALREADY MARRIED!)